I have always been a bad sleeper!
When I am asleep it is fine, I sleep beautifully. However getting to sleep has always been my problem.
I naturally work better off an evening! I am more productive and the ideas seem to flow a lot better than they do in the morning, or even in the middle of the day. Both of these times end up with me staring at the wall, screen, what ever it may be and coming up with a blank and being stumped.
Where as once it gets dark, and everyone is in bed and the world is silent I seem to be at my best. I can be creative, I can write and I seem to get the best work done in the dead of the night. I have always been the same and I think somewhere along the line I have programmed myself to be fine with a minimum of five hours sleep a night!
However gradually as 2012 went on I could feel my sleep getting worse and worse. It isn’t just the staying up late, I need to do something once in bed to actually fall asleep, whether that is reading a book or playing a game on my phone, it is something and probably adds a good half hour if not to the time that I actually fall asleep.
When Rhianna first died I didn’t sleep well at all, I did a couple of hours at the most a night. The worst being the night we found out, and the night before her funeral, that night I had no sleep and literally went right through the night. I haven’t been that bad since, however I have noticed it getting worse.
The nights have gone from my usual midnight to half past twelve, to two, or even three in the morning and with a sprightly four-year old waking anyone from six am this does not work.
It ruins the rest of the day, I don’t cope with this little sleep and it isn’t just me that suffers, it is Baba and Mr L and myself.
It throws my emotional state into a frenzy and I really feel my emotional levels rising, I find everything hard to deal with and stress in my life is high and I can feel it. It is like I am being wrapped from my feet up and I feel tangled in vines. It is an awful feeling, I then get into the area where I am SO tired that I then can’t sleep either. Even though my eyes are hurting from being open and my head literally feels like it is going to explode and I will fall there and then in a heap from the pain that it is in.
This weekend I got like that! The sleep last week, or lack of was stupid! It had been like it for a while but with the build up to Christmas and everything else it really had got very stupid and uncontrollable. 3am bed times were becoming the norm and I was shattered.
I have had to admit defeat, on the fact that I can’t let Mr L go to bed early. I need him up with me to tell me to go to bed at a sensible time, otherwise I do I sit and work and do things, and sometimes just sit. Ignoring the need to sleep, I don’t know why, but I do. I sometimes think my body becomes so tired that it can’t even move which is why I am left just sitting doing nothing.
But it is no good, it is not healthy and it is not good for anyone including myself. So I am making a real effort to sleep.
Two nights in a row I have been in bed before midnight, which I know I only rarely did in 2012 so this is an achievement for me, a massive one at that as well, and one that I am hoping to carry on doing. As to be totally honest I am tired and have been for a long time!