Jul 262012
 

Following on from Rhianna Lily’s Birth Part Two

I woke periodically throughout the night, either with midwife checks, or the nebulizer being put back on as my breathing was bad. Every time it was the same, look to the right to see Mr L who was sleeping and try not to disturb him and look to the left and gaze at Rhianna Lily. I knew that she wasn’t going to move, she was not going to chance.

But I had to look every time this was our only time with her, and I wanted to have every last inch of her etched in my brain.

I finally woke about 7.30am and Mr L was still sleeping I really didn’t want to wake him I wanted him to sleep. I knew that I had been through a lot, but to be honest from the moment the surgical team came in I really didn’t remember much from the night before that was when the stress was put over to him. Not only had he just lost his daughter, but he then had the added heartache of me being poorly. I can’t even imagine the stress that he was feeling in those few hours and I wanted him to sleep.  Continue reading »

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Jun 012012
 

This post has taken me a long time to write, I have thought about it a lot, I think about this near on every day but writing it down has been hard. But something that I have wanted to do, needed to do. Part One can be read here.

We sat in the room and waited. The midwives came in and introduced themselves, and made us coffee. We had a really gorgeous midwife who was a student and she was generally lovely, you could almost see the pain in her eyes every time that she spoke to us. She was really caring and you instantly knew that she was feeling our pain.

The second midwife was also lovely, but in a different way, in a friendly almost jokey way and was full of character she was just what we needed to be honest.

We had made ourselves at home in the room, as much as you can in hospital and just really sat and waited. It was a weird experience neither of us knew what to do. Both were dreading it, and both were willing it to be over.

By 12.30pm the midwives had come in and I was given some tablets to start the induction, nothing seemed to be happening to be honest. I was on the bed, and Mr L had sorted out the TV and we just waited watching Jeremy Kyle on TV. As there really wasn’t anything else to do.  Continue reading »

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May 022012
 

Today we were all awake early, at first we all just laid there. Mr L decided to get Baba ready for school and I walked around the house in a daze. It was very hard to pack a bag for today.

After all packing a bag for your babies birth is supposed to be the most exciting thing in the world. It is supposed to be the happiest days of your lives. You should be literally jumping for joy knowing that you are finally going to be meeting them, that taking this car drive just the two of you, is the last time that will happen, when you come out it is going to be another addition to your family. There will now be four rather than three.

Although that wasn’t happening for us was it. We were taking the drive to hospital as a family of three, and coming out of the hospital as a family of four but with no baby in the back seat. No gorgeous happy ending for us. It was still going to be just the three of us, so that drive from hospital was going to be no different to the drive to hospital. Continue reading »

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Apr 302012
 

Last night was a weird night, Baba was at Mr L’s mum’s as we didn’t want to upset him by suddenly taking him away from there when he knew that he was supposed to be staying. So it was just Mr L and myself.

And we were just waiting.

Waiting for something to happen, that ultimately we didn’t want to happen. It had to happen I realised that, but at the same time I really didn’t want it to happen. All the time I was stuck in this limbo, kind of meant that I could kid myself that all was ok, I was still pregnant, I could almost forget that the worst possible thing had happened. I could pretend that we were all ok. That our baby girl was fine and that this was really just an awful dream.

There were times throughout the day that I really felt that it was time to wake up and this nightmare to end. But unfortunately it was never going to end.  Continue reading »

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Apr 252012
 

I didn’t sleep last night, I tossed and turned all night. Baba crawled into our bed in the early hours and for the first time I just left him there. I just watched him sleep and just cried.

I felt so numb, but so bad all at the same time. Most of the night was spent with silent tears, Mr L’s hand on my hair stroking it gently trying to convince me to sleep and me just listening to Baba breath.

I just felt that life was so unfair, there was no way that we deserved this, but I didn’t really know what to do. I was scared, and frightened I was preparing myself to go into hospital to give birth to our baby. Not to give birth to our thriving bonny baby though, this was going to be a complete and different experience and I was really scared.

Everyone else woke the next morning, I after all hadn’t slept so I just got up and got ready. It was a strange feeling, knowing that I had to ring the maternity bleep to find out when we were going in. I did try to put it off, I thought if I didn’t call it would never happen. But I knew I had to really.  Continue reading »

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Apr 132012
 

Telling people that your baby has died is probably the hardest thing we have ever done. I remember making the phone calls to relatives and friends when my Nan and Gran died, and I managed to keep it together for those few minutes. I knew instantly that this wouldn’t happen when I told people that Rhianna had died. It just was not going to happen.

We had the toughest challenge first, telling Baba once we pulled up my parents place.

We walked in and the hugs started. Hugs are great, I love hugs but that particular day I didn’t really want any. Hugs meant that I would cry and they also meant it was all true I didn’t really want either. It was all so raw, it was all so strange and I had this feeling that if we just didn’t tell anyone it wouldn’t really be true. I knew really that wasn’t the case but it was nice to think it was just for a moment.

While I was being hugged Mr L took Baba off to tell him what had happened, within seconds he came running into the kitchen. Eyes wide open and almost scared… Continue reading »

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Apr 122012
 

I always thought I understood grieve, I had lost a couple of people when I was young, as in a child young and it was just something had happened. I experienced grieve for the first time when my aunt died when I was 15 it was heartbreaking and I hated every moment of it. But I don’t think until I lost my Nan who I was exceptionally close to I had any idea what grieve was. I had never felt pain like it and it took me a long time to get over my Nan. I hated it all and can remember it all clearly as it was only a few years ago.

However today was the day I really felt grieve. It was a complete and utter feeling. I felt sick, I felt like my heart was literally breaking in two and there was nothing that would stop the pain. My heart actually truly ached. It hurt so much that it made my chest hurt, I have never experienced anything like it. But who expects to experience the words, your baby has died. It is not something you can prepare yourself for and it is not something you know how to deal with.

It is pain, and it is hell and it is all I can really remember from this day. That and the fact that there was a little tiny bit of white broken plastic on the floor by my chair, and a very dark carpet. I kept looking at this plastic, it really was tiny but it kept me concentrating for the rest of the day. It is strange how your brain works.  Continue reading »

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Apr 082012
 

I had a midwives appointment in the morning, and was a little stressed about my sugar levels. I really didn’t want them to be high again. So I made sure I had a healthy breakfast, eating a selection of fruit and tried to remain as calm as possible with Baba. I didn’t want anything to be wrong at the midwives appointment. I wanted the rest of this pregnancy to be easy sailing, rather than trips back and forth every week like I was with Baba.

I dropped Baba off at my mum and dads and told them that I would be back in a couple of hours.

As per usual there were no parking spaces at the birth centre and I remember having to park in the doctor’s surgery which only has an hour limit. So knowing what my midwife was like I was conscious that I may end up getting clamped so I prayed that it would be a quick and easy appointment with no telling off.  Continue reading »

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Apr 042012
 

From the moment I feel pregnant with Baba I was sick, sick every day until I gave birth apart from maybe two weeks. This pregnancy was completely different from the start.

I felt sick but I never was not once. But it didn’t make it any easier. I was stupidly tired, and did feel sick pretty much all the time. I really struggled. But I carried on as much as I could everything was just a little slower really.

This pregnancy did follow the same route as Baba when I started bleeding at seven weeks and had to have an emergency scan. I remember sitting there looking at the dinky tiny heart beat pumping away and I was in love, as much as I was in love with Baba first seeing him at seven weeks.  Continue reading »

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Apr 022012
 

I remember the day so vividly, Baba wasn’t 100% and had gone to bed with Mr L in our bed. I had been pottering about all evening and it was such a late night that I decided rather than move Baba I would just sleep in his bed.

It was 1am and I thought I would just see, just incase the test came back positive.

I remember looking at it in my hands the cold November night and thinking “oh my god”

It wasn’t a shock, but it was if that makes sense. We had been trying for a while, but to final see that line on the test was a shock. I walked out of that bathroom and shouted, in a whisper to Mr L so as not to wake Baba. He didn’t respond at first and I had to say his name louder and louder until at last he moved. I gestured him to come over to  me, which he wasn’t 100% happy about I could tell that but he did any way. I showed him the test not 100% sure what he would think he looked at it, and his response (considering that he was fast asleep) was  good. Continue reading »

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