Apr 012014
 

Mothers Day…

A day to celebrate all mums everywhere…

A day I find super challenging

One that I am gut wrenching sad about

And one I  am so grateful about

A day where I celebrate my boys

But where I just want to curl up and cry because I don’t have

Can’t have

Won’t ever have my baby girl

Baba gets so excited about Mothers Day and I try to join him

But I am all to aware that I don’t have all my children

And it is even more noticeable on Mothers Day

But I can’t let the boys suffer and I don’t

I try to enjoy it, I love their presents and I generally do

And I make it completely about them

And Mr L is fab as he tries to include all of the children

Letting me order some jewellery with all their names on

But until the end of time

Mother’s Day will always be wrong

It will always be sad

And it will always be missing one

 

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Mar 082014
 

March is not our favourite month,

But we still have two choices

We can spend all month grieving that little bit more than we grieve the rest of the year

We can wallow in our grieve almost

We can become angry

Sad

Hysterical

And we can become a person on auto pilot

And to be honest we do all of this to some degree

But the choice is we could do all of that and make nothing else matter for March

Make March all about grieving for Rhianna Lily

But that would be pointless¬† Continue reading »

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Mar 012014
 

When Spring finally comes
The daffs come out
The sun starts to shine
The coats come off
And people start to do their gardens
They smile more
They start to be happy.

Or the first of March
When the tears increase a level
When your transported back in time
Remembering the days before
Buying your one and only baby girl clothes
Putting them away eagerly waiting
Going for the scan
Hearing those words
Going numb

The first of March
The countdown to the end
The end of a life
The end of your carefree life

The first of March
The countdown to the start
The start of this life you never wanted to be included in
This childloss life
The special club

The club no one wants to be in
The club no one understands
And the club no one can leave

Happy first of March!

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Jan 092014
 

So last year we kept a big secret, the fact that we were having another baby, which you can read about here.

Boo arrived on December the 3rd and was a great end to a really rubbish time in our lives. But it doesn’t mean that everything that happened disappeared.

That Rhianna Lily was forgotten.

That she never existed.

That we were now a family of four!

We will never be a family of four.

We will always be a family of five surviving as a family of four.

Always one missing

Always missing our little girl Continue reading »

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Nov 022013
 

Grief is a funny thing

You think you are ok

Really ok

And then it suddenly hits you

And you don’t know what to do

You are finally back a square one and everything you have achieved seems gone

You don’t ever miss them less

You don’t ever think about them less

But life does go on

It is a horrible and cruel thing to say

And it was the statement that I hated the most when Rhianna first died

But it is true

But it doesn’t mean you miss less, you forget less, or you hurt less

You just have to go through the motions

And you think you are ok

But I am not sure you are ever ok

As in the still of the night

When everyone is sleeping around you

And you are awake for the umpteenth time

The pain becomes unbearable

The aching hurts

And your heart aches.

You heart aches, was always a saying I heard, but I never understood

But it’s a true saying

Your heart can ache

It is a real pain in your chest

One that only a few generally know I am sure

But one that I have experienced so much in the last 19 months

It hurts and it brings everything back to reality

That truth that whatever you go on and do

Whatever happens in your life

You will always be missing your little girl!

Nothing hurts quite like that

Nothing can solve that

And no one can take that pain away

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Oct 152013
 

When the words are said to your face,

Your heart stops beating,

That beat you missed will never be recovered

As you get stuck repeating the words

Telling your family

Your friends

There is nothing that you can do to stop the tears

The lump is there the lump will always be there

And then you are left with the silence

Going to a labour ward knowing there is no baby coming out with you

Going down that corridor

The one that other mums aren’t going down

Being hidden away

But still never totally avoiding the cries from all those babies

All the babies that are being born that are filled with smiles

Instead you are left with silence

The silence that surrounds you

There are no words that either of you can say

There are no cries

There are no words the midwives can say

It is all just silent

Silence

A horrible stillness

A coldness in the air

One that you have never felt before

It is one that you become use to

Standing at your baby’s grave

The noises are loud

The tears are sobs

Gut retching sobs

But still so much silence

As everyone looks on

With silent tears flowing down their faces

Feeling your pain but not understanding

Watching your pain but not being able to take it away

The earth stands still the wind doesn’t make a noise

The clouds stop

And you watch in silence your baby being laid to rest

And it is always there

The silence

The stillness

And the coldness

That should be filled with laughter, joy and growing

But instead there is just silence!

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Oct 092013
 

I love taking photos, I am a scrapbooker after all, and over the years we have thousand of pictures of Baba and the dogs, and everything else that we have done in the past.

These last few days I have been sorting the pictures out. They are totally disorganised and I can’t really tell what should be with what. So I needed to get everything sorted so that I could start getting on top of my scrapbooks.

I have been doing the last couple of years of photos, and been putting them into the correct files.

It is amazing how many presents Rhianna Lily has got in the last 18 months, and amazing the amount of flowers that I have photographed.

I decided very early after Rhianna died that she would have a scrapbook, the same as Baba, and that it wouldn’t be a scrapbook that had her 50 pictures in that were taken at her birth and then stop. Rhianna will always be a part of our lives, so her scrapbook will have messages in from people who contacted us when she died (I still haven’t started this scrapbook it is all just being planned) and it will have photos in of things that we do over the years. Continue reading »

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Sep 262013
 

It doesn’t have to be a specific thing

It can be the most tiniest of thing

A thing that you didn’t even think would matter

Hearing a song

Watching a programme

Smelling a flower

It doesn’t have to be the big things

Hearing a baby cry

Watching Baba give a baby so much love

Seeing a new-born baby girl

It can be walking past the baby clothes

And knowing you don’t need to look

It can be watching that little girl toddling around attempting to walk Continue reading »

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Sep 252013
 

It’s the simple things

The things that you wouldn’t ordinarily give a second glance too

That floor you and make you choke

And hold back the tears

Yesterday Baba got a letter home from school, a letter about his first school photos

” On this visit they will take photos of both individual children and pictures of brothers and sisters together. If you would like to include a pre-school child in a sibling photograph then please arrive at school at 8.30am and report to the school office.”

It was a letter that we should have a use for.

It should be exciting, Baba’s first school picture, a picture with Rhianna Lily, sitting proudly beside her big brother, in his school uniform.

A picture for us to keep.

A picture to send to their Aunties, Uncles, Grandparents and Great Grandparents.

But there will be no picture of the two of them.

There will never be a picture of the two of them.

There will of course be a stunning picture of Baba, one that will be sent to all the family.

But there will be his sister missing.

Instead of celebrating this letter

It was a letter that choked me, a letter that I silently read and silently put in the bin.

That silently, but oh so loudly broke my heart in pieces once more!

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Sep 232013
 

It has been 18 months since Rhianna Lily died, they have not been an easy 18 months, some days are good.

Some days are really bad.

And some days are just ok.

But life is very different.

It isn’t how we planned it and it isn’t what we wanted

But we cope with it

And we live with it

The best way that we can

It may not be the right way

Or the way that anyone else would do it

But it is our way

But something has been bothering me for a while now

And I brought it up for the first time with her daddy this evening

I want to do something for Rhianna Continue reading »

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