Life goes on
It really does
It is horrible to say but life does go on
It doesn’t mean that you don’t care
It doesn’t mean that you don’t want to cry everyday
It doesn’t mean that you wont cry everyday
But life still goes on
It is hard to accept it
It is hard to be happy again
It is hard to smile
It is hard to be truly happy
I don’t actually know if you will ever be happy “like you used to be”
You lived in a bubble Continue reading »
In the car yesterday and Baba says;
“Mummy let me see what Rhianna is doing.”
He closes his eyes tight.
“Oh she is having fun Mummy, she is on the art table doing art with Uncle Dave. Uncle Dave is drawing trees, our families, tractors and Old MacDonald’s red farm-house and Rhianna is finger painting all the drawings and putting glitter on the trees. It’s a really good drawing and they are having great fun.”
He makes my heart swell, break and melt all in one go! I am so proud of him and how he deals with loosing Rhianna and his Uncle Dave I think he can teach us adults a few things as well!
From the day we were told Rhianna had died, I have worried about Baba.
Everything we have ever done for Rhianna has been led by Baba, and I constantly worry about the effect her dying has had on him.
Probably too much, some would say.
Other’s would say not enough, but they don’t know how many nights I have woken and walked into his room to watch him sleep and pray that he wont be emotionally scarred for the rest of his life. Continue reading »
Last year we brought lilies straight after you died,
We set a plan,
Lilies were the only flowers allowed at your funeral
And your tiny grave was filled with them Continue reading »
I haven’t blogged for ages.
I haven’t wanted to
I haven’t had anything to say.
I feel like my body has gone into shut down mode.
I feel numb every time I think about Rhianna. It is like I have literally morphed back in time, to this time last year, but without the crying.
I feel like I have shut down.
I can’t look at babies, I thought it may get better but it hasn’t I think it has got worse. I desperately want another baby but the heartache is so hard, when for yet another month it doesn’t happen.
Every month I cry Continue reading »
Since loosing Rhianna, the quiet moment’s are the hardest.
Baba is four now and he is slipping through my fingers.
I still get my moment’s with him. He still loves a cuddle and he adores me and I totally and utterly adore him.
But he is changing!
He is slipping and I am loosing my grip.
There is only one place Baba ever wants to be at the moment.
With Daddy, which I love and I would never change. And I don’t want either to think I would ever change it because it is fabulous.
Daddy is totally the coolest person in the world.
All Baba wants to do is be with Daddy. Continue reading »
I always thought Rhianna Lily’s birthday would be the worst day. But it wasn’t as bad as I actually thought it would be.
It was busy, that was probably a good thing. But it was a day all about Rhianna.
We laughed, especially after a balloon was brought and it escaped before we had a chance to write on. Rhianna was obviously very eager and wanted her balloon asap. We were then running back up the road to get it replaced before the shop closed.
Rhianna had beautiful flowers. She had beautiful presents, a beautiful personalised lantern, a lovely heart momento and a gorgeous star cake made for her.
All these things made it all the more special for us and for her. Continue reading »
Loosing Rhianna didn’t just touch us, as her parents or her brother, it has affected many other people.
People don’t know what to do or how to react when you lose a child. On her anniversary we wanted to put together some thoughts from family and friends about when we lost Rhianna, we want people to understand how it affects everyone not just the people closest.
These little letters are from my own sister, some of our life long friends, some friends who are only friends with one of us, and some very new friends.
But more than anything we wanted to get across the fact that this is not a one way street that you walk down with child loss, it is very different for everyone, and if just one of these letters will help someone in ours or our friends and families situations that we were all in last year then this post has been worthwhile.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Continue reading »
Sunday was a year since Rhianna Lily’s 20 week scan, a year since we found out we were having a girl and a year since we told Baba he was going to be a big brother.
From that moment onwards, I seem to have a memory for everything that we did between the 24th of February to the 23rd March 2012. It all comes back to me on a regular basis, I remember the outfits we brought that are still hidden away. The gorgeous baby clothes that Baba and his Daddy brought for me on Mother’s Day that have never left the drawer. I remember the feelings, and I remember the heartbreaking moment that everything went wrong.
I feel like I am on a time bomb at the moment. I feel like I am breathing ok and that we have somewhere found our new normal. Not the one we would like but the one we have to deal with.
But I am worried that in just a few days that is all going to come crashing down around our feet. Continue reading »
A year ago today we had our 20 week scan,
A year ago today we found out you were a little girl,
A year ago today we named you Rhianna Lily,
A year ago today we told your godparents we were having a girl,
A year ago today we told Baba he was going to be a big brother,
A year ago today we told all our family you were a girl,
A year ago today we were so excited,
A year ago today our family was complete, one strapping boy, one gorgeous baby girl,
A year ago today we were so normal,
A year ago today we were so happy!