Mar 082014

March is not our favourite month,

But we still have two choices

We can spend all month grieving that little bit more than we grieve the rest of the year

We can wallow in our grieve almost

We can become angry



And we can become a person on auto pilot

And to be honest we do all of this to some degree

But the choice is we could do all of that and make nothing else matter for March

Make March all about grieving for Rhianna Lily

But that would be pointless  Continue reading »

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Feb 242014

Not having you here doesn’t get easier,

Remembering you doesn’t bring a smile.

In fact if anything it gets harder

Every day brings something else to make it harder

Having Boo didn’t make you disappear

It just made us wonder who you would be like, Baba or Boo

As we are only a month away from your 2nd Birthday,

Your 2nd Anniversary

We are left wondering lots

What you would like?

What your character would be like?

Would you be serious, or a bit of a giggler

Would you love your cuddles, or be Miss Independent?

Would you be a Peppa Pig fan, or would you love Superheros?

All questions we will never know the answer too.

All questions we want to know the answer too

And questions that break our heart

Loosing you doesn’t get easier

Missing you only gets harder

And having so little memories, and no answers to any questions

No smell to remember

No smile to look at

No laugh to remember

And no special places to visit

All of it just makes it so much harder!

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Jan 302014

Grief is an odd one you think you are ok and then something very strange sends you months back and you have to start again.

Having Boo has changed the way we are grieving for Rhianna. Changed the way I am grieving.

When Rhianna died I threw myself into talking about her remembering her and trying for another baby.

Then I fell pregnant and the stress started and everything I had went into doing everything I could to survive the pregnancy and have a healthy baby. Now Boo is here and I love him, I adore him like I do Baba but there is this dull ache.

This realisation that I will never have my little girl.

Pregnancy with Boo was so hard and I don’t think I can ever go through that again. So there is now no chance of having another little girl.

There will be no barbies, my little ponies or shopping trips to buy little dresses. There will be no hair plaiting or make up or princess dresses in my house.

They are all things I was so excited about with Rhianna.

There will be no doing up my amazing dolls house for my little girl. I will do it up as it needs it but it will sit there.

Not being used.

It’s a different grief. 

A grieving of the dreams I had for Rhianna.

Instead my life will be wrestling, football and Lego which I will equally love.

But there is a sadness letting go of the dreams for my little girl that I had and I kept onto incase Boo was a girl.

Now they need to go and its hard to let go of them.

It’s the final letting go.

I have my baby girl, I had her, I held her and I will love her until eternity but my dreams for her will never come true and its a hard, final thing to do.

And I am just not sure I am ready to accept there will be no little girls dreams coming true quite yet or if I ever will be!

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Jan 092014

So last year we kept a big secret, the fact that we were having another baby, which you can read about here.

Boo arrived on December the 3rd and was a great end to a really rubbish time in our lives. But it doesn’t mean that everything that happened disappeared.

That Rhianna Lily was forgotten.

That she never existed.

That we were now a family of four!

We will never be a family of four.

We will always be a family of five surviving as a family of four.

Always one missing

Always missing our little girl Continue reading »

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Jun 172013

Father’s Day is an odd one when you have one child not with you, and have little children.

We make the most of it for Baba, but it is still a sad day as there should be two cards, two sets of presents and two children running in being excited for Daddies day. There will never be the right amount of children.

We think about Rhianna every day but I think Mother’s and Father’s day we think about her differently.

It is day that she is there in every moment.

But is always hard to know what to do for the best.

Do you include her in cards and presents, or do you not. It is something we are not really clear on at the moment and something we will never be clear on. I think we do need to work on it and decide what to do.  Continue reading »

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Jun 112013

Everyone who reads this blog knows that I openly support the work that Saying Goodbye does for family and friends of people who have lost babies and children, but I had not managed to get to one of their services. I was supposed to go at the beginning of the year but Baba was poorly so that one got sidelined.

However this weekend they were very local and it was an evening service so it didn’t affect Mr L’s work in any way and I really wanted to go with him. He wasn’t so sure. In fact he really didn’t want to go, but he knew how much I wanted to go and decided to come anyway. Although he was still trying to get out of it as soon as we got into the cathedral.

The service was beautiful there were some lovely readings, ones that made us cry, and one that was in Rhianna’s funeral. One that we haven’t seen or heard since her funeral but both instantly recognised as we sat there.

The choir made the service very special and the fact that we were able to light candles and ring bells for our babies and children gave a very personal touch to the service.  Continue reading »

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Mar 172013

I always knew I was going to find this hard.

It has been on my mind for a long time.

Working out what we are going to do, how we are going to do things.

And thinking of things to do.

But I never knew it was going to be this hard.

Everything feels wrong

Whatever we suggest it just feels wrong

The flowers, the gifts, the plans

All of them are wrong

Not one of them should be happening

You should be here and nothing is going to be right because you aren’t  Continue reading »

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Mar 122013

I was dreading Mother’s Day there was a part of me that really didn’t want it to happen. The day where all the Mother’s in the world celebrate that they are a Mother and their children give them gifts and thank them.

How are you supposed to do that when only one child is surviving?

It is a strange feeling.

I really wasn’t looking forward to it.

It was the day unlike any other when I was reminded every single second of every single moment that there was only one of my children here. But to give Baba credit he did really well in making it a fab day.

I got my presents early I think that helped, I was able to lay in and for the first time in his four years, Baba and Mr L sat down and did the one thing that I have always wanted.  Continue reading »

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Mar 062013

It is Mother’s Day this weekend, it is a day I have loved since we had Baba, last year we were all excited on Mother’s Day and I wanted it to be a fantastic day as it was going to be our last with just Baba!

Or so we thought.

We were still in our bubble last Mother’s Day, and then it got burst.

This year I am not looking so forward to Mother’s Day, I will still love it for Baba’s sake but more so on Sunday than any other day I will be thinking of Rhianna Lily. I should have two children here this Mother’s Day, I should be getting my first present from Rhianna along with Baba, instead I am not.

It is going to be a tough day, and I am silently dreading it if I am totally honest.

I know that Baba will be there and that him and Mr L will make it as great as possible, but I am really not looking forward to it. It is going to be a constant reminder of what we should have.

What we don’t have.

And what we so dearly want.

And I am just not really sure how to deal with it!

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Jan 032013

It was never going to be easy, we tried our hardest to try not to think about what was in front of us. A lot of December I spent wishing it away completely, as I really didn’t want it here. But there was no stopping Christmas, not with a very excited Baba who was literally climbing the walls.

It was difficult to say the least, one moment you would be in the throws of excitement and as excited as Baba and the next you would be close to tears, or in tears as there shouldn’t be three, there should be four.

I cried a lot, over silly things but things that meant so much to me.

Things that I had put my whole hopes on.  Continue reading »

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