I always knew I was going to find this hard.
It has been on my mind for a long time.
Working out what we are going to do, how we are going to do things.
And thinking of things to do.
But I never knew it was going to be this hard.
Everything feels wrong
Whatever we suggest it just feels wrong
The flowers, the gifts, the plans
All of them are wrong
Not one of them should be happening
You should be here and nothing is going to be right because you aren’t Continue reading »
I was dreading Mother’s Day there was a part of me that really didn’t want it to happen. The day where all the Mother’s in the world celebrate that they are a Mother and their children give them gifts and thank them.
How are you supposed to do that when only one child is surviving?
It is a strange feeling.
I really wasn’t looking forward to it.
It was the day unlike any other when I was reminded every single second of every single moment that there was only one of my children here. But to give Baba credit he did really well in making it a fab day.
I got my presents early I think that helped, I was able to lay in and for the first time in his four years, Baba and Mr L sat down and did the one thing that I have always wanted. Continue reading »
It is Mother’s Day this weekend, it is a day I have loved since we had Baba, last year we were all excited on Mother’s Day and I wanted it to be a fantastic day as it was going to be our last with just Baba!
Or so we thought.
We were still in our bubble last Mother’s Day, and then it got burst.
This year I am not looking so forward to Mother’s Day, I will still love it for Baba’s sake but more so on Sunday than any other day I will be thinking of Rhianna Lily. I should have two children here this Mother’s Day, I should be getting my first present from Rhianna along with Baba, instead I am not.
It is going to be a tough day, and I am silently dreading it if I am totally honest.
I know that Baba will be there and that him and Mr L will make it as great as possible, but I am really not looking forward to it. It is going to be a constant reminder of what we should have.
What we don’t have.
And what we so dearly want.
And I am just not really sure how to deal with it!
It was never going to be easy, we tried our hardest to try not to think about what was in front of us. A lot of December I spent wishing it away completely, as I really didn’t want it here. But there was no stopping Christmas, not with a very excited Baba who was literally climbing the walls.
It was difficult to say the least, one moment you would be in the throws of excitement and as excited as Baba and the next you would be close to tears, or in tears as there shouldn’t be three, there should be four.
I cried a lot, over silly things but things that meant so much to me.
Things that I had put my whole hopes on. Continue reading »
Five months ago today we lost you
Five months ago today we held for the first and last time
Five months ago today our lives were shattered
And our hearts were broken
Five months ago your big brother stopped being a regular three-year old
And grew up over night
Worrying whether Mummy was ok and checking throughout the day if she was sad
Five months ago we lost you Continue reading »
There is no right and wrong way to grieve, grieving is such a personal thing, only you yourself can know if you are grieving correctly for you at that time in your life.
But that doesn’t mean it is easy.
Especially when there are three of you all grieving for the same thing in one house and all grieving in different ways.
Baba grieves quickly, I envy him. We have five minutes sadness and 12 hours of play. There is nothing long-lasting with him in anything his concentration is a couple of minutes and that is moved to his grieving as well.
Mr L grieves quietly, oh so quietly it actually scares me how quiet he can be about Rhianna, he is usually so loud. Nothing is said about her, nothing is mentioned, he acknowledges what is said but he never voices an opinion, thoughts or feelings at all.
I grieve loudly, I want the world to know that I am grieving my daughter. I want to talk to anyone that will listen and to a few that probably don’t or wont listen, but I still talk anyway. I can’t help it I want to talk non stop about her.
Usually we are fine and we bumble along together doing our own thing and supporting each other when and however we need it. Continue reading »
This last week, with the weather getting better, and the issues we have had with Rhianna Lily’s grave (more on that another day) we have not been leaving her flowers to chance.
There were four sets of flowers put on her grave (or garden as it is called) on her due date, two with an oasis holder and two in the flower holder. Either Mr L or myself have been going up there regularly to check on the flowers and to make sure they don’t become unsightly.
It has mainly been me, because I have had the time, and it is easier for me to quickly nip to the grave about 7pm when we have all eaten and gives Baba and Mr L a little much-needed one to one time when I go. We haven’t been going every day but at least every third day to check on everything. Continue reading »
Today the flowers will be bright
The colours will be vibrant
And our hearts will swell
There will be tears, lots of them
There will be hugs
There will be pain.
There will be lots of wonderings Continue reading »
This Sunday should have been Rhianna Lily’s due date.
I don’t really have anything to say about it. I always guessed that it would bother me, but like everything else along this journey I never really knew how I would really feel until it has got closer and closer to getting her.
Bothering me is an understatement, it really bothers me.
Everywhere I look there is another baby being born, and I don’t begrudge anyone of them, the new parents or the new babies, but there is a small knife in my heart and every new baby I see or hear being born pushes that knife in a little bit more. It makes the realisation that Rhianna isn’t here and will never be coming even more real. Continue reading »
Yesterday we had Rhianna’s debriefing, I have written about her debriefing numerous times recently as I was really dreading it. I had got into my head that there was something that I had done and I was dreading getting that confirmation that yes it was something I had done.
We went into the meeting and we were both anxious, the consultant truly couldn’t have been nicer she really was a lovely person, which did make the whole experience so much easier.
She went through all of my notes including the little information she had about Baba and all the information about Rhianna. Nothing had come up with the infections, or genetic testing but there was a problem with the placenta study. Continue reading »