Mar 282014

Last Sunday was Rhianna Lily’s second birthday

Her second anniversary

I always struggle what to call it, it’s an odd day. It’s her birthday and her anniversary and neither seems right to say so I don’t really say anything.

Last year Baba wanted to have a party, we had people round, people wrote things for the blog and it was a big event. It was her first. It was bound to be.

This year was a completely different affair.

It was very quiet, there was just us and there was no fuss.

It was so hard.

I don’t expect the world to remember and I know that people do remember in their own ways, but this year it really felt like she was forgotten.  Continue reading »

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Mar 012014

When Spring finally comes
The daffs come out
The sun starts to shine
The coats come off
And people start to do their gardens
They smile more
They start to be happy.

Or the first of March
When the tears increase a level
When your transported back in time
Remembering the days before
Buying your one and only baby girl clothes
Putting them away eagerly waiting
Going for the scan
Hearing those words
Going numb

The first of March
The countdown to the end
The end of a life
The end of your carefree life

The first of March
The countdown to the start
The start of this life you never wanted to be included in
This childloss life
The special club

The club no one wants to be in
The club no one understands
And the club no one can leave

Happy first of March!

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Jan 102014

Since Baba has started school, I am able to go to Rhianna’s grave whenever I feel like it. (I don’t like to push Baba to go, if he doesn’t want to then I will wait until a time I can go on my own, but him being at school has enabled me to do this)

There doesn’t have to be a reason to go, sometimes it is just nice to go up there, check it looks nice and nothing is dying up there.

After we had Boo and Mr L had gone back to work and Baba had gone back to school I had an urge to take Boo to Rhianna. This after all is Rhianna’s place and I don’t want either him or Baba to be worried about Rhianna’s grave. I want them to know where their sister is, I want them to find a little comfort there and want them to have a connection there.

It was a cold, but bright sunny day and it seemed a perfect day to take Boo there, there literally was not a cloud in the sky.

When the weather is like that the graveyard that Rhianna is in is beautiful, it is surrounded by the common and the sunshine beams down on Rhianna’s grave, so it was the right day.

We went up straight after dropping Baba at school, and we took a gradual stroll up to the grave. Once we were there I was talking to Boo and telling him about his sister, when the heavens literally opened.

I don’t know where the cloud appeared from, but it was a sharp hard rainy shower, and it was a downpour. Boo and I literally had to run back to the car, and I was soaked all the way through with all my effort going into keeping Boo dry. As soon as we got into the car the rain slowed down, it was still raining but nothing like it was as we were standing at Rhianna’s grave.

As we drove out of the car park, the rain finally stopped, making the shower a really short sharp heavy shower and then we drove down the hill and just seemed to drive into a rainbow. It was a brilliant bright rainbow and it seemed to be completely in front of us.

I came away feeling at peace, and feeling ok.

There was always a feeling that Rhianna would be replaced when Boo arrived, and that if she could see us that is what would be thought.

Going to her grave being drenched by the rain, and driving out into a rainbow, seemed like it was a sign.

A sign that everything was ok, that Boo was accepted and that it was all ok.

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Sep 262013

It doesn’t have to be a specific thing

It can be the most tiniest of thing

A thing that you didn’t even think would matter

Hearing a song

Watching a programme

Smelling a flower

It doesn’t have to be the big things

Hearing a baby cry

Watching Baba give a baby so much love

Seeing a new-born baby girl

It can be walking past the baby clothes

And knowing you don’t need to look

It can be watching that little girl toddling around attempting to walk Continue reading »

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Sep 252013

It’s the simple things

The things that you wouldn’t ordinarily give a second glance too

That floor you and make you choke

And hold back the tears

Yesterday Baba got a letter home from school, a letter about his first school photos

” On this visit they will take photos of both individual children and pictures of brothers and sisters together. If you would like to include a pre-school child in a sibling photograph then please arrive at school at 8.30am and report to the school office.”

It was a letter that we should have a use for.

It should be exciting, Baba’s first school picture, a picture with Rhianna Lily, sitting proudly beside her big brother, in his school uniform.

A picture for us to keep.

A picture to send to their Aunties, Uncles, Grandparents and Great Grandparents.

But there will be no picture of the two of them.

There will never be a picture of the two of them.

There will of course be a stunning picture of Baba, one that will be sent to all the family.

But there will be his sister missing.

Instead of celebrating this letter

It was a letter that choked me, a letter that I silently read and silently put in the bin.

That silently, but oh so loudly broke my heart in pieces once more!

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Sep 232013

It has been 18 months since Rhianna Lily died, they have not been an easy 18 months, some days are good.

Some days are really bad.

And some days are just ok.

But life is very different.

It isn’t how we planned it and it isn’t what we wanted

But we cope with it

And we live with it

The best way that we can

It may not be the right way

Or the way that anyone else would do it

But it is our way

But something has been bothering me for a while now

And I brought it up for the first time with her daddy this evening

I want to do something for Rhianna Continue reading »

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Sep 182013

Since Baba has been to school, he has talked a lot about Rhianna.

She stops his bad dreams, she bites them if they try to get in his room.

I have had to strap her in the car as she is sitting next to him.

Daddy hasn’t been allowed to sit on a spot on the sofa, as Rhianna was sitting there and Baba could see her but Daddy couldn’t.

She goes to school with him everyday, to see how he is getting on.

It’s all little things.

Little statements.

Little moments.

But they all amount to the same thing. Continue reading »

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Sep 132013

The other weekend we asked Baba what he wanted from Santa.

He looked at us both and instantly said;

“I want some flowers, a balloon, and a garden stone for Rhianna!”

He took both his Daddy and me by surprise. We really didn’t think it would come into his mind!

We were expecting Lego, Trash Packs and art stuff, but no the first thing he thought of was all stuff for Rhianna!

It made my heart swell, it made his Daddy smile and we were both so proud of him.

Proud that he thinks of her, proud that he includes her and so pleased that he expects Santa to buy something for her!

There is no leaving Rhianna out in Baba’s eyes and we are so proud of him for that. Santa buys for all children and Rhianna is included!

And really that is all we can ever ask from him!

The fact that he always thinks of his sister, and she is so involved in his life!

And he is such a blooming special child and fantastic big brother!

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Sep 122013

Baba has now started school, and it feels like a double whammy!

I have thrown myself into blitzing the house, thrown myself into going back into full-time work next week with Scrapbookerry, and am getting back with writing and my writing course, anything to stop myself from thinking about what should be.

It has been hard, and I think this last week I have been so busy trying not to think that I haven’t thought about it! But I know it is there!

I shouldn’t be on my own.

I should never have been on my own!

Baba shouldn’t have spent his last summer before school on his own, he had a great one, we made sure of it and he did not stop! But still there should have been two of them! Continue reading »

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Jul 182013

I love to talk about Rhianna Lily, I talk about her more than Mr L and Baba put together.

However I find it really hard to tell people who don’t know about her, Mr L is much better than that.

But this week I had to bite the bullet, and say the above statement. Baba is starting Primary School in September, and I had a meeting with his new teacher on Tuesday. Mr L and I decided on our first parents evening at the school that the teacher had to know about Rhianna, she may come up in conversation, she may not, but if she does then they need to know who she is.

It was hard, building up the courage to say the words,

“Baba has a sister, but she died last year”

It is such a simple sentence but one where you want to the ground to swallow you up, and one where it bowls the other person over.

It is horrible to do.  Continue reading »

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