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Dads Matter 2

May 202013

Today Saying Goodbye have launched a new National Campaign “DADS MATTER 2″.

We totally support Saying Goodbye and everything they do, and I can’t even express how much we support this campaign.

Baby loss is such a hard thing to talk about, it is a taboo subject but it is getting better. However we found so many people are looking out for the Mums that the Daddy’s out there really get forgotten.

It takes two people to make a baby, there are two people involved.

When I told Mr L we were expecting again he was so excited, when we found out that we were expecting a little girl he was so pleased. He had so many dreams, she had her name. He had picked her godparents, and was so excited. Last Mother’s Day all of my presents from him and Baba were clothes for Rhianna he loved her immediately. He had his plans in his head, he had a future mapped out for her. She was destined to be Daddies Little Girl, and he loved that.

His heart was ripped out when we were told her heart wasn’t beating. Continue reading »

Mummy Let Me See…

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May 022013

In the car yesterday and Baba says;

“Mummy let me see what Rhianna is doing.”

He closes his eyes tight.

“Oh she is having fun Mummy, she is on the art table doing art with Uncle Dave. Uncle Dave is drawing trees, our families, tractors and Old MacDonald’s red farm-house and Rhianna is finger painting all the drawings and putting glitter on the trees. It’s a really good drawing and they are having great fun.”

He makes my heart swell, break and melt all in one go! I am so proud of him and how he deals with loosing Rhianna and his Uncle Dave I think he can teach us adults a few things as well!

Brotherly Love

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Apr 252013

From the day we were told Rhianna had died, I have worried about Baba.

Everything we have ever done for Rhianna has been led by Baba, and I constantly worry about the effect her dying has had on him.

Probably too much, some would say.

Other’s would say not enough, but they don’t know how many nights I have woken and walked into his room to watch him sleep and pray that he wont be emotionally scarred for the rest of his life. Continue reading »

Lilies

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Apr 222013

Last year we brought lilies straight after you died,

We set a plan,

Lilies were the only flowers allowed at your funeral

And your tiny grave was filled with them Continue reading »

Rhianna’s Flowers

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Apr 162013

We have always tried to get very bright flowers for Rhianna, I am not sure why but something in us says she likes bright flowers.

When she died I had an overwhelming feeling that she would like the colour purple and we have followed that idea with buying purple lilies regularly for her.

But they are hard to find, so we go for very bright flowers as well. It seems fitting that when we walk up to her grave it is the one grave that you can see across the cemetery due to the brightness of her flowers. I love that she stands out so vividly and everyone can see her little grave, even though it is one of the smallest up there.

So for her birthday we followed the theme. Bright flowers for our little girl.

Her Daddy brought these gorgeous roses, in the most amazing colours and they were perfect for her birthday. Continue reading »

Numb

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Apr 092013

I haven’t blogged for ages.

I haven’t wanted to

I haven’t had anything to say.

I feel like my body has gone into shut down mode.

I feel numb every time I think about Rhianna. It is like I have literally morphed back in time, to this time last year, but without the crying.

I feel like I have shut down.

I can’t look at babies, I thought it may get better but it hasn’t I think it has got worse. I desperately want another baby but the heartache is so hard, when for yet another month it doesn’t happen.

Every month I cry Continue reading »

Relationships!

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Mar 252013

Since loosing Rhianna, the quiet moment’s are the hardest.

Baba is four now and he is slipping through my fingers.

I still get my moment’s with him. He still loves a cuddle and he adores me and I totally and utterly adore him.

But he is changing!

He is slipping and I am loosing my grip.

There is only one place Baba ever wants to be at the moment.

With Daddy, which I love and I would never change. And I don’t want either to think I would ever change it because it is fabulous.

Daddy is totally the coolest person in the world.

All Baba wants to do is be with Daddy. Continue reading »

The Day After The Day Before

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Mar 242013

I always thought Rhianna Lily’s birthday would be the worst day. But it wasn’t as bad as I actually thought it would be.

It was busy, that was probably a good thing. But it was a day all about Rhianna.

We laughed, especially after a balloon was brought and it escaped before we had a chance to write on. Rhianna was obviously very eager and wanted her balloon asap. We were then running back up the road to get it replaced before the shop closed.

Rhianna had beautiful flowers. She had beautiful presents, a beautiful personalised lantern, a lovely heart momento and a gorgeous star cake made for her.

All these things made it all the more special for us and for her. Continue reading »

Rhianna’s 1st Birthday Messages

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Mar 232013

Loosing Rhianna didn’t just touch us, as her parents or her brother, it has affected many other people. Here are some birthday messages from myself, Baba and her Daddy, her cousins, godparents, aunties and uncles, and some friends.

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To Our Baby Girl,

There isn’t much I can say. We all love you, we all miss you. Today should be so different. But it isn’t.

Your there, and we are here, this is the way your birthday’s will always be.

Your big brother is being the best, he is determined to give you a party and a party you shall have. He misses you, and he loves you so much!

I know you are with your Uncle Dave, so do Mummy a favour give him hell today, be a madam it’s your birthday make sure you get everything you want your allowed today you are the princess in heaven and make sure he knows it!

Happy 1st Birthday Baby Girl, I hope you manage to see everything we do today and everything makes you smile

We love you with all our hearts just like your big brother!

Love Mummy, Baba and Daddy xxxxxxxxxx

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Continue reading »

How Rhianna Affected Us – Messages from Family and Friends

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Mar 232013

Loosing Rhianna didn’t just touch us, as her parents or her brother, it has affected many other people.

People don’t know what to do or how to react when you lose a child. On her anniversary we wanted to put together some thoughts from family and friends about when we lost Rhianna, we want people to understand how it affects everyone not just the people closest.

These little letters are from my own sister, some of our life long friends, some friends who are only friends with one of us, and some very new friends.

But more than anything we wanted to get across the fact that this is not a one way street that you walk down with child loss, it is very different for everyone, and if just one of these letters will help someone in ours or our friends and families situations that we were all in last year then this post has been worthwhile.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Continue reading »

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